The Harvard Business Review article “What to Do If Your Parents Are Causing You Career Angst” by Stew Friedman is not quite what I expected, but it’s a good read just the same. It seems that more than ever before, parents remain highly involved in their adult children’s lives and career choices, which can cause conflict and stress. Friedman offers the stakeholder dialogue technique to manage the conversation and reduce the tension when parents’ expectations regarding career choices are not aligned with children’s wants, values, and dreams.
Now, I thought the article would be about helicopter parents coming into the workplace right along with their millennial children. While not a common occurrence, I have received the occasional phone call from parents. It’s true; some parents prepare their children’s resumes and fill out their job applications. Telltale signs are when they forget and put their own social security number on the application or the wrong contact information on the resume. And there is always someone who would call to schedule the interview for their child. I also had a few parents call in with some excuse about their child not feeling well and not being able to make it to work. And I am not talking about emergency situations when an employee had an accident or suffered a serious health condition. I personally haven’t received any calls from parents complaining about their child’s performance review or trying to negotiate a pay increase on behalf of their child, but some of my HR colleagues say these things do happen. It must be true if Robert Half Technology has a video about it:
In recent years, the concept of “Take Your Child to Work Day” has been expanded by some Silicon Valley companies such as Google and LinkedIn to take on a new form of a back-to-school-night, inviting parents to peek into the work life of their adult child. Google started the “Take Your Parents to Work Day” in 2012, with LinkedIn announcing “Bring in Your Parents Day” in 2013. Needless to say, the parents are arriving in droves. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a brilliant idea for companies to welcome parents into the workplace. Why not capitalize on the bond between employees and their parents to create more hype and brand exposure?
But no matter how you feel about inviting parents for any open house type events, I believe we can all agree that we need to draw the line when it comes to parental over-involvement in the workplace. After years of managing the kids’ lives from the soccer field to college, it’s time for the parents to fly off and let them make their own career decisions. Let the children conduct their own job search, negotiate job offers, and learn to navigate corporate life on their own. Let’s cut the metaphorical umbilical cord and declare the workplace a no-fly zone for hovering parents.
Parents have valuable life and work experiences. Sharing our experience and stories, our struggles our achievements, and our lessons learned can help guide our children as they forge their own path. But only when we recognize that it’s their OWN PATH to walk, their own personal journey. Every situation while not new in the human experience is unique and very personal. Our hard learned lessons and wisdom can’t protect our children from making their own mistakes. We need to set them free and let them spread their wings and do things their own way. It’s the only way they’ll gain independence, experience, and the confidence to truly thrive.
Parents and managers can improve confidence in decision-making by adopting a “coach approach.” Adult children and employees don’t need to be told what to do but rather to be guided and supported as they explore options and determine the best course of action. Here’s how:
Remember it’s not about you; it’s about them
Trust that they have the answers
Listen actively, talk sparingly
Withhold judgment
Help them define their goals
Encourage them to create stretch goals
Discuss options, choices, and trade-offs
Talk to them on a regular basis about their strategy and action steps
Provide constructive feedback
Celebrate progress
5 Questions to empower decision-making:
What challenges are you facing in your [job search, job, etc.]?
What is your ideal outcome/ultimate goal?
What are your options?
What would be a good next step/s?
How can I support you?
