There are so many inspirational quotes about not giving up pursuing our dreams, getting up when we stumble, and turning failures into victories. Yet, quitting can sometimes be the best move forward. It takes a lot of courage to admit that an old dream no longer feels exciting. Sometimes we just know in our gut that it’s time to let go and move on to something new. I got a call from a client who had a dream to become a manager. He had the dream for 5 years. Following our work together, he did get the promotion about 6 months ago and became a people’s manager. Now he is saying the dream is not what he thought, and landing a dream job is not all it’s cracked up to be. He feels that the job helped him realize that he is NOT a people person. He wants to spend his time trouble-shooting technical issues rather than dealing with people’s issues. In fact, weekly one-on-ones make him want to rip his hair out and listening to excuses of why people need to work from home make him want to bang his head against the wall. In short, reaching his career goal to have the word “manager” on his business card was falling way short of expectations. He knew managing people would be a challenge, but he believed it would be a challenge he’d enjoy. So he landed the perfect job, the one he’d always wanted with a title to match, and well, he hates it. He needs a new dream.
Realizing that a “dream job” is fast becoming a nightmare can be painful, triggering feelings of grief and loss. My client’s vision of success was climbing the corporate ladder by first becoming a manager to then managing bigger and bigger teams earning fancier titles, bigger paychecks, and recognition. Being honest that managing people wasn’t for him, my client now has to re-define his vision and definition of success. His wife is an artist, and he says that there’s a Frida Kahlo quote in her studio “I never paint dreams or nightmares. I paint my own reality” that really speaks to him. He has come to realize he needs to start painting his own reality. The goals are the same. He wants to receive the pay and perks to still be able to provide for his family and have the funds to maintain their standard of living, but the dream needs to be adjusted. It’s important to remember that success is not tied to a single goal, or a title. Success is fully utilizing our talents in a way that is impactful.
The thing with coaching is that it touches upon topics and raises questions relevant to everyone’s lives, to my life, and may touch tender spots. For years and years, being a career coach was my ultimate dream. I’ve always been driven by the purpose to help others find career success and satisfaction. Running my own business is something I’ve been wanting for a very long time. Yet, a year into being a business owner, I find myself relooking at my goals, established a long time ago. As I’ve failed to reach my 12-month financial goals, do I need to change my dream, or keep trying? I know my strengths and my weaknesses. But how do I know when I reach the point of completion and whether it’s time to change direction?
Some things in life have a clear point of completion. My husband has a dream to walk the 500 miles Camino de Santiago trail in Spain. I asked him why he wants to do it all at once rather than sections of it over a couple of years. He really has his heart set on receiving the compostela, the certificate of completion of the Camino de Santiago. He does not want to do it for any religious or spiritual purpose nor because of any cultural or historical reasons. He wants to do for no other reason than walking and completing the long trail all in one go (and yes, he is aware you can get the certification for walking only the last 100 kilometers of the Camino.) But often in life, there are no markers on the road indicating the point of completion. There may be points in our lives when we are not sure we are on the right path and have no idea how far we still have to go, or what we still have to go through to achieve our goals. It’s easy to leave when something is bad. It’s harder to do when something is good but not great. How long do we need to stick to a dream when it’s slow to come to fruition? This is certainly an individual choice. Here’s what I’ve come to accept:
Putting a dream to the test can be a powerful way to poke holes in it
As we work towards a goal, things change, and we change, too
When things seem to be falling apart, they may actually be falling into place
When our goals change, it means we are growing, evolving. When we evolve, we need to shed the things that no longer serve us and pursue the things that will shape our new destiny. When a dream doesn’t fit our life anymore, it’s time to shift our focus. An old yoga teacher used to start every class with “setting the intention.” The idea is to focus attention and bring awareness to the practice in order to notice the changes. I’ve found it to be true in life as well. The intention, not the goal, deepens the practice and helps us achieve results. We need to start every day like starting a yoga class: holding attention to what is authentic for us and setting the intention for our choices. Being honest about what we want and what we are ready to let go of, our boundaries and limitations, and what is possible to change. Small changes can have a huge positive impact. Make sure that as you start and end your day, you appreciate who you see in the mirror.
“What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.” ~Henry David Thoreau
