Through the course of my work day, I help people improve their professional lives. While every client is unique, the experiences are common. Often, clients who hold completely different positions working in different companies and locations talk about similar work situations and seem to be grappling with the same thorny workplace issues. This week’s recurring theme has been respect, or to be more specific, not respecting a manager. Now, there are a lot of bad managers out there. But when it comes to respect, it’s all about perception – how we observe ourselves and others and interpret the interactions. When you feel deep disrespect for a manager, try and define what respect and disrespect mean to you in general. Next, look at how these definitions influence your actions, choices and interactions at work. Respect is transactional. It’s not just something we feel but something that’s reflected in our behavior; meaning that the way we show up as may influence the way others show up to us.
Respect for someone is not just earned. It’s cultivated through appreciation of a person’s abilities, personal qualities, contributions and achievements. Watch yourself closely. When you work for a manager that you don’t respect, think about what it is about him/her that elicits your feelings of disrespect. It might be helpful to write down the key reasons you disrespect your manager (for your eyes only.) Try and use facts and not feelings clearly describing the core of the problem. As they say, “a problem defined is a problem half solved.” Then, write down at least one strategy to tackle the challenge and overcome it. You may benefit from a fresh perspective of a trusted advisor; someone who can provide objective feedback when your feelings get in the way. Thinking through the situation may uncover options to professionally manage your manager.
Unless you have the misfortune to report to a particularly toxic and evil person, it is highly likely there are things about the manager which are respect-worthy. Acknowledging the manager’s strengths and redeeming qualities rather than fixating on the shortcomings can help you find a productive way to work together. Taking a step back and adopting a mindset for career curiosity opens up new doors and possibilities. Solutions appear when we look at old problems in new ways, when instead of focusing on what we believe things to be, we become curious about what they could be. Through the course of our career, we will have good bosses and terrible bosses (hopefully few and far between.)When we replace judgment with curiosity, we can find a way to co-exist and work productively with managers we don’t respect or like. We can’t control nor change the behavior of others, only our reaction to them. When dealing with a manager you don’t respect, reclaim your power and manage the situation constructively choosing your thinking, feelings, responses, and actions.
Hopefully, if you are dealing with a truly bad manager engaging in inappropriate behaviors that make it impossible to respect him/her, there is a strong HR department to assist you when you reach your limit. I want to believe that Susan Fowler’s experience at Uber is the exception, not the norm. That when an employee has a valid concern about a manager, HR will come through and proactively and competently manage the situation and drive to a reasonable and acceptable resolution. However, there are times when the only way forward is to remove yourself from the influence of a bad manager; when making things work would require more time and emotional energy than you are willing to invest. My grandmother used to say: “when people treat you like they don’t care, believe them and walk away.” Sometimes in order to live our highest and best self requires that we walk away from the things that no longer serve us and stop us.
