In the wake of the terrible and tragic deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, I’ve had many conversations with family members, friends, and clients about mental health, depression, and what may lead people who seem to have it all to take their own lives. This type of question typically results in a captivating discussion and the quick realization that everyone struggles with something, which then leads toward a much more personal question as to why, for most of us, asking for help is so difficult, especially for those of us who consider ourselves independent and self-sufficient.
When my brother-in-law was in med school, he used to joke about having “the medical school syndrome,” becoming convinced you are suffering whatever disease you are studying. But being a coach and helping people for a living, I actually have experienced first-hand many of the challenges my clients are facing. In fact, while each person is unique, most workplace issues are fairly common. Through challenges and triumphs we all experience the same basic emotions that have driven and defined the human experience since the beginning of time. Similar to many of my clients, one of my greatest challenges is to ask for and allow myself to accept help. The Art of Asking: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help was recommended to me as a primer to asking and receiving help. Prior to this recommendation, I hadn’t been aware of the existence of Amanda Palmer. Still not a fan of her music, but the book and her life story are inspiring, see the short version in her Ted Talk: The Art of Asking.
Most people who know me would tell you that I probably have helped them at one point or another. But being the strong-willed high- achiever that I am, I’ve always pushed myself to try and “do it all” my own way, which was positively reinforced in my personal and professional life. I don’t know exactly when it began, but somewhere along the way, the idea took hold that asking for help was a weakness. Despite being surrounded by people willing to lend me a helping hand, I’d stubbornly kept on trying to take on the world single-handedly ignoring those gracious offers of help. It is only in recent years that maturity set in, and I was able to fully grasp that asking for help is a sign of our humanity and fortitude. There’s always an element of vulnerability when opening-up to someone else, but it is the only way to truly connect with our fellow travelers on this mortal journey, the people who show up in our lives and forever change them.
We all have times in our lives when we need help. We don’t ever have all the knowledge, information, skills, or resources to do everything successfully. In the different roles we play in our personal and professional lives, there’s always room for growth and improvement. It is a great strength to know when we need help, where to go for assistance, and how to best utilize the resources available to us. Successful people are those who are strong enough to stand alone and do things on their own, but who are smart enough to know when they need help and to be brave enough to ask for it. Asking for help is taking that leap of faith trusting that if you dare ask, you shall receive. Recognizing the human truth that most people cherish the opportunity to be kind and helpful and appreciate the opportunity to step up and be amazing. Most people are willing to go out of their way to be helpful if only we have the courage to ask.
And there’s so much to be gained by asking for help:
Asking for help builds deeper connections: when you allow yourself to be vulnerable and ask for help, you give another person the chance to show empathy and be helpful. This forms a bond of trust on a deep emotional level with the other person.
Asking for help encourages collaboration: most people have an innate desire to do good, to make a difference, to contribute in a positive way to those who are in need. Just think about people rallying up when a natural disaster happens willing to help complete strangers across the world. Why wouldn’t they feel just as equally compelled to share their expertise and abilities with people they know? A simple request for help can lead to future mutually beneficial partnerships and collaboration.
Asking for help sparks learning and growth: we live and work in a world where things constantly shift and change. It’s okay not to know everything. Like asking questions, asking for help can start a dialogue and pave the way for learning when you come across different approaches, perspectives, knowledge, and skills as people share them with you when providing assistance. If you just pay attention.
But only if you know how to ask:
1. Be prepared: figure out what you need & who to ask
Consider what you hope to achieve before asking someone for their time - clarity and focus are key. Make a wish list of all the potential things you may need help with in order of importance and urgency. For each item list 1-3 people who would be best able to help you with this particular issue. Start with asking for help with your top-of-the-list item, the one that can make a real impact if sorted out.
2. Be specific: state precisely what it is that you need
Because asking for help can feel awkward, you may be tempted to beat around the bush and drop little hints. A better strategy is being direct and covert in asking for assistance. Few of us are expert mind readers, the only way to get what you need, is to ask for it. There’s no shame in asking for something as long as you are upfront and acknowledge that’s exactly what you are doing.
3. Be gracious: acknowledge the help you received
When someone is offering help, in a small way or a large one, be sure to graciously express appreciation and gratitude for the help you’ve received. Just as you should be precise in your “ask,” be specific when you thank someone for their help and support. Let them know how their time, efforts, and actions have made a difference.
Asking for help is a way to connect meaningfully with others, so be humble enough to give generously and receive fearlessly.
