One of the most important life and career lessons I had to learn the hard way was that as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t fix everything – not for myself nor for others. I am a caregiver by nature. I care a lot about the people in my personal and professional life. Every job I held offered me the chance to help people. As a teacher, I was driven to help students overcome roadblocks to learning. In HR, I aspired to make a difference to individuals and impact the success of a company by connecting the value of human capital to the bottom line. And as an executive and career coach, my job is to help my clients work through and resolve professional challenges. In all of these roles, my tendency to feel that it’s my job to take care of everyone else’s problems is both a privilege and an occupational hazard.
As I have developed my knowledge, skills, and capacity to help others, I’ve had to also learn when to say “not my problem.” It might sound harsh and heartless, but for someone who cares deeply, I had to be aware of my tendency to over-commit and overextend, and to be careful not to use that reserve tank of energy. I figured out a way to be strategically compassionate by forcefully reminding myself where the ultimate responsibility truly belongs. Counter-intuitively, not being emotionally entangled in other people’s problems, allowed me to be a more compassionate responder. Emotional detachment from the pain and suffering the other person is experiencing creates the space to think and choose the most effective ways of helping in that specific situation. Additionally, people really do not need someone else to solve their problems, to take their power away. The problem and the solution stay with the owner of the problem, the person most affected. However, owning and overcoming a challenge doesn’t mean being the only one to work towards a solution. Being strategically compassionate means staying present and offering perspective, support, and practical help while empowering the true owner to figure out the way through to a resolution.
I’ve come to think of compassion as a formula:
Compassion = Empathy + Action
The Difference between Being (Empathy) and Doing (Compassion)
Empathy/Being mode is when you:
Understand what the other person is feeling
Notice your own feelings and thoughts
The focus is on awareness
Compassion/Doing mode is when you:
See a painful problem as something you can help change for the better
Take a problem-solving approach
The focus is on offering help
Being empathic means being able to understand the feelings and perspectives of others. It is the gateway to compassion, which takes it a step further in moving from the emotional and cognitive realms into action. When we are confronted with the pain of others, we might experience emotional exhaustion. Being strategically compassionate, proactively engaging in problem-solving, can lead to positive spirals that touch the helper, the problem owner, and other people around them. Compassion is a skill. Just like any skill, it can be developed through practice. Here’s how in 3 steps:
It’s all about mindset: use your head rather than your heart. Validate the feelings, but don’t pick up the other person’s “stuff.”
It’s about the intent: make a decision to contribute to a solution in a meaningful way, but resist the savior mentality.
It’s about the action: help the person get on the path to success, but let him/her walk it in his or her unique way.
I’d like to leave you with a quote that has helped me wrap my head around the idea of strategic compassion/not my problem:
“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.” ~Pema Chodron
Let us all aspire to being kind and compassionate to ourselves & others!
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