Bereavement: Returning to Work When Grieving

My father passed away on Friday January 13. It was expected. I thought I was prepared. And yet, his death feels sudden, shocking, and overwhelming. I am a person of words. But now, I struggle to articulate how it feels to lose a parent. I feel as if I am on a roller coaster of intense emotions of mostly shock and pain. I am relieved my father is no longer suffering. But I would have given anything for him to have been cured and not leave us. I am grieving for myself and my family, for the strong bonds and attachment that have been broken.

It's only been a couple of short weeks, but I already miss my father so much, which is also unexpected since I chose to build a life an ocean away from my family of origin. Love knows no distance. My father left me with two enduring gifts: first, his love, and the other is a model for how to lead a purposeful life. He had a rough start in life. Every day was hard-fought and won. Every day was precious to him, and he knew how to truly cherish every person in his life. He was valiant to the end, fighting with strength and integrity and with a loving smile for us all, every single day till the end.

The past weeks have been filled with a kind of emotional vertigo and a lot of heartache. I am told it is now time to get back to “normal.” I am starting to mentally prepare for the return-to-work full time. I am fighting a sense of numbness and trying to shake myself up and channel my inner palm tree, my inner strength and resilience, to not just go through the motions. I know I am lucky I could take three weeks off. It boggles my mind that in the US there is no law giving employees paid time off for death in the family. With the exception of a handful of companies offering a compassionate and generous bereavement leave, most employers offer three days of bereavement leave for the death of an immediate family member. As a side note, most countries around the world don’t legally mandate bereavement, leaving it to be written in the employment contract. See Harmonize Blog 2021: Global Guide to Bereavement Leave in Modern Companies Good news for Californians, as of January 1, 2023, AB 1949 mandates employees’ eligibility to take up to five days of bereavement leave upon the death of a family member, applicable to employers with five or more employees.

I was with my family in Israel, where employees are entitled to up to seven days of paid leave to follow the mourning ritual of sitting ‘Shiva’, a period designated by Jewish law to mourn the loss of a parent, spouse, sibling, or child. The primary purpose is for spiritual and emotional healing where mourners come together in the first days of intense grief and have people pay condolences visits to reminisce and bring comfort (and food, lots of it!). Being present is the main objective, to care for the mourners and free them from every day concerns.

The generosity of people, some long lost friends with whom I hadn’t been in touch for years, has taught me a lot about the importance of family, friendships, and having a loving community. My family and I were surrounded by love and support in our darkest time of sorrow. Only during the Shiva, I realized that I knew nothing about loss and the grieving process. I am grateful for the kindness all around me. I commit to paying it forward and become a more compassionate, accessible, and giving person.

Time is a funny thing. It seems we have so much of it until we don’t. I am now learning to accept that it is OK to miss my father deeply, and grieve all those lost moments living so far away. I could have definitely done more. But I cannot change the past, what was. I can only look to the future and commit to try and uphold my father’s endless generosity and ability to show up for me and our family. His all-encompassing love and acceptance. I feel bound to carry his memory and legacy forward in the way I love and care for others.

And as a first step, I’d like to share some insights for those who are also being thrust back into everyday responsibilities of returning to “normal” not having the luxury of taking the time needed to process a loss and find healing. Getting back to work can be difficult when you feel you are not physically or emotionally ready. But it can also offer some distraction and respite from the pain. To quote John Steinbeck: “There is comfort in routine.” So, here are three things I am challenging myself to do daily to find peace and healing.

First step: I am working to normalize grief reminding myself that it is okay not to be okay, and that I don’t need to be strong all the time. It’s OK to feel sad and have a good cry. I recognize that it will take time to be back to 100%. I give myself permission to feel my feelings and enlist support from others as I take the time to recover.

Tip #1: seek ways to put yourself in a better headspace to tackle the hurdles of your workday.

For me, it has been hours of walking meditation.

Next step: I am practicing how to reply to the overwhelming supportive and well-meaning responses. I am finding that while I greatly appreciate the loving kindness, even a simple “how are you?” can stir up all kinds of painful feelings. It almost feels like hitting the reset button on grief. I remind myself that people do not know what I am feeling on the inside as they reach out trying to be empathetic and helpful. It is a good thing to be surrounded with people of goodwill.

Tip #2: take it a day at a time, hour by hour. Check in with yourself: breathe in the love and exhale gratitude.

For me, I have some responses ready such as, “thank you for your words of sympathy. It is indeed a difficult time, and I am still processing my father’s loss. Please forgive me if I don’t seem like myself.”

And the ultimate step: giving myself the gift of time. There is no time limit on grief, and there is no right way to grieve, just my way. Grief takes time, and it is an individual process. I will figure out the right way for me to settle back into my routine and into my work.

Tip #3: know you will get through this. I know you will. I believe in you!

The greatest gift my father gave me every day of my life was that he believed in me – unwaveringly and unconditionally. I will feel his loss for as long as I live, and it will always sting. But his love, the memories, and his legacy are not lost. Now, I can honor him and celebrate his life by living my life to the fullest and by spreading love, kindness, and compassion all around every day!