Here in the Bay Area, it is the beginning of week three of shelter-in-place, which is getting extended to May 1st. These past two weeks, I have struggled to be my normal productive and efficient self. You can say I am a habitual goal-setter. I have been a “goal-oriented” person my entire life, always pushing myself to live my best life and become my best self. Yet, I am finding it difficult to “make the most” of the present experience. It seems my diligence is waning and my focus is slipping away now that I am home all day with easy access to the instant gratification of food, Netflix, and things that bring me pleasure, comfort and relief, even if only temporarily. I have been grappling with the question: if I were to practice self-acceptance (i.e., not beat myself up for making questionable choices) would it lead to becoming complacent (i.e., not striving to be the best I can be)?
My personal challenge staying at home is weight gain. How much is too much chocolate? I am doing well maintaining healthy habits in the time of Coronavirus, except getting my sugar cravings under wraps. I seem unable to outsmart my insatiable sweet tooth. We’ve all seen the funny videos and memes making the rounds on social media these days about taking off pants and putting on weight. Some of us have channeled our anxieties over Covid-19 into humor and others into sugar and carbs. I am not suggesting that gaining weight is the worst thing that can happen to me, or others, during this outbreak. But it is something that is on my mind. It is not so much the weight gain but the deeper question I have been asking myself daily - where’s the line between pushing myself to remain vigilant about healthy living and cutting myself too much slack? These are unusual times, and we all cope by doing unusual things to get by. Our struggles may take different forms; however, the underlying problem remains the same: when does self-acceptance become complacency?
After two weeks of self-reflection I still do not have a solid answer. However, I do feel very strongly that self-acceptance in the present moment needn’t imply inaction and complacency over the long run. It is Ok if it takes us some time to figure out the healthy coping skills we would need to get through a mentally taxing challenge. When we hit some rough patches, it is fully justified to take a break from the constant pursuit of personal and professional goals knowing that it is within our power to resume the efforts later on. We have the freedom of choice which is the prerogative of human action. We each get to decide where we set that line between accepting our imperfections or working to do better. Acceptance is not the opposite of self-development and personal growth. We may set and pursue goals to achieve more in certain areas of our life without judgment, shame, or guilt. Only we get to choose what goals resonate and whether we’d be willing to make the necessary sacrifices to accomplish them. To ask ourselves: “is it worth it?” And the answer my friends is blowing in the wind; it is ever-changing and never static. Life will always keep challenging us, and we’ll need to assess our resources (mental and otherwise) to then re-evaluate and shift priorities. For example, maintaining my six-pack abs is costly in terms of effort. I have been diligent about eating well and working-out, but now I may choose to re-direct my focus. It is a matter of self-preservation how I want to spend my effort and limited resources of willpower and mental energy until life gets back to normal.
When you are having a difficult time, focus on self-kindness. This is not the time for self-judgment. To quote Pokémon’s Professor Oak: there is a time and place for everything, but not now. Undermining the challenge of living up to our usual standards during difficult times and using harsh criticism as the motivation to push ourselves, may backfire. A more encouraging approach is to accept our struggle as normal and commit to self-compassion. If our world has been turned upside down, we might require respite and care, to push pause before we can resume our efforts. Accepting ourselves today doesn’t mean we won’t proactively seek self-improvement down the road. And whatever the end-goal is, it never defines us, or our self-wroth and innate value.
I do not claim to have a definitive answer to the conundrum of where to draw the line in the sand - either with chocolate, or regarding acceptance and complacency. The best I can offer you is what has worked for me (and many of my clients.) First, recognizing that taking good care of yourself can be difficult during times of uncertainty. So, don’t be too hard on yourself. Give yourself credit for doing the best you can as you think about ways you could possibly do a little more every day. Look for opportunities to celebrate yourself instead of berating yourself. Be curious and experiment to find out what works best for you to keep your balance, or re-balance. Be mindful and don’t cheat yourself of personal development. Remember that growth manifests through life’s challenges. At times, progress is not by leaps and bounds but at a slow and steady pace. Two steps forward and one step back is still progress, so long as you keep expanding your choices to put yourself in a position to live your best life – a life that’s truly yours and according to your own personal standards. Do your best, savor the moment, and enjoy the ride!
